Poem: Evolution of Absolution

From infinity to never and back again,

Through the stars, down to Heaven and up to Hell,

Walk the shadows of dreams caged within.

A step behind or just beside,

Forever my companions to wish me well

Always , from the day I shall be born to the day I died.

Hold this hand as we watch the blackest sun rise,

As we danced and the blood-rain fell,

Never to sever, ever, these demented ties

To the trashed, torn, tear-trailed shores
Of lust, or love, or hate.  None dare tell

By which name or gate or deadlocked doors.

Drink from this cup of  blood-red wine,

Overflowing as a raging swell.

Drink and be sated by the sacrifice upon which we dine.

Walk with me, inside the fire, atop the flood.

Dare not to scream, but these shadows, none can hear you yell.

Let us set sail, through the years, upon this river of blood,

‘Till, perchance, our demons absolve,

And in some shady glen or dell

We learn from death to birth how to evolve. 

Veterans Day 2011

So a group of colleges across the US read off the list of all 6300+ KIAs from the last 10 years today. My school was one of them. My list contained 4 of the guys we lost in Iraq. I've been struggling for the last few days to keep my composure and not break down. But when I got to those 4 names...I broke. For the rest of today the most prevalent thoughts in my mind have been "I should have been there" and "Why them and not me?" I feel like I broke the Soldier's Creed by not being there. They got hit a month and 2 days after I got out. Oddly enough, the names of the guys we lost when I was in Iraq didn't bother me as much as these 4. By getting out and leaving them to die, I feel like I broke the Creed by not placing the mission first. I feel like I left my comrades. My best friend Jade DeGiorgio told me that SOMEONE had to be around to remember them and tell their stories.  But I don't feel I'm worthy to tell anyone's story. I didn't have any right to do any less or sacrifice any less than they did. I didn't have a wife, I didn't have any kids. The world would have lost much less had it been me instead. But now,their wives have to be widows, their children have to grow up fatherless. I feel like it would have been better had it been me instead of them. Maybe then I would have finally done something right. The thought has been crossing my mind all day that since I am not worthy, since I don't deserve this second chance, that maybe-in order to make up for being given a gift they deserve more than I, that maybe if I took my own life, I could somehow make up for the inequality. Although suicide is something I have struggled with all my life and especially this last year, I'm not actually going to commit suicide. I know that I have no control over who lives and who dies, only God does. I don't even have control over my own death- I have tried, multiple times, especially after Iraq, and obviously I am still here. Someone from our Rememberance Committee told me that someone has to be here to remember their names, to honor them, to live for them, and to help those that do make it back. Taking my own life won't bring them back, even though I'd do it in a heartbeat if it would. But that's the easy way out I guess. Living for them, continuing to tell their stories, that's the hard way. And Scouts, well...we have a knack for doing things the hard way. I wish I could bring them back, but I'm not God. But I do know that one day, "halfway down the trail to hell," I'll see them again in the Fiddler's Green.

Prose: Always The Small Things

It’s the small things that bring you back.

It’s always the small things.

It’s a wisp of hair or breakfast on Sunday morning.

A word whispered in sleep or a drink shared with neighbors.

It’s a day at the museum or Saturday morning baseball.

It’s a Boy Scout campfire or a night with a blanket and a movie.

Walking through the door after work or a dinner out.

It’s singing along to the radio or watching the fireworks on the 4^th.

It’s a text message that makes you smile or a random gift.

A thought of what could be or a laugh at what was.

The small things.

The seemingly unmemorable insignificant things.

The little moments that pass by almost without notice.

But, you do notice them.

A smell, a sound, or a laugh.

A look in the eyes or an escaped tear.

A word in a fleeting moment of true honesty.

A dream in the middle of the night,

Only to wake up and smile because it is real.

A glass of wine on the porch and a song on the radio.

A child’s laugh as he’s trying to escape a tickle attack.

Small pieces of Heaven.

Faint glimmers of Hope.

Brief seconds when demons flee.

Nothing’s wrong and everything’s right.

The things you remember in the middle of the night,

Laying awake letting slip tears in the shadows only because no one can see them,

Standing outside gazing at the midnight sky,

Remembering all these things,

It’s the small things that bring you back.

It’s always the small things. 

Poem: Burn With Me

Burn it all to the ground.

Scream your agony without a sound.

These scars I bear are all too real.

Step inside the inferno and whisper what you feel.

Tell me your pain is the same as mine,

That you share these Shadows and Hauntings of the Gothic Divine.

Through these flames make me believe

That there is hope for this belief in final reprieve.

Carry your cross as I have carried this.

Sing to me a lullaby of dark Love’s fabled bliss.

Step inside, burn alive, and show me you are true,

Else gaze into the mirror and let your reflection be the death of you.

A spark ignited, my heart alight, this world consumed by night.

These blackest flames, the pain I gain with no relief from Heaven’s rain.

Open your eyes, set fire to your heart, scream my name with all thy might.

Lay with me on this bed of flame burning its blackest bright and love me if you deign. 

Poem: Goodbye

I remember that first time I saw you

Lil girl as pretty as can be,

With a pretty lil smile that would light up my day.

You had enough of em chasing you so I stayed your friend,

But then you turned away and shut me out.

So I figured in my head that was the end.

               

                So I turned round and walked away

                Shed my few tears and said I’ll be ok

                Even though I still thought about you every single day,

                Wishin there was something I could do or say.

                But I knew there wasn’t, that you were gone and left me 

                here standin.

                And I took my time and I lived my life and I set you free,

                And I went and found me.

Seven years later back in that same place,

I turn the corner to see that same pretty lil face.

So we walked and we talked and we did what we did.

I gave you my heart and I let you in,

Told you I’d be there till the world stopped turning.

But then you turned away and shut me out again.

Even though I don’t want to, I know this is the end.

                So I’m turning round and walkin away

                There’s a hole in my heart but I’ll be ok.

                Im still gonna think about you every day,

                And I’m gonna wish there was something I could do or say.

                But I know there aint, you’re already gone and I’m left here standing.

                So I’m gonna take my time.

                I’m gonna live my life.

                I don’t know how, but I have to set you free.

               

You’ll always have my heart,

That lil girl as pretty as can be.

And I will love you till the world stops turnin.

But now , now I’m gonna say goodbye and go find Me.

               

               

.

Poem: This Is Why

I’ll watch over you all night long,

Hold you up when you can’t be strong,

When the sun fades, I’ll keep you warm,

I’ll be your shelter in the storm

You are my everything

This is why ill never leave.

Above the ashes of my fires,

Something beautiful here now lies,

Even when the flower fades and dies,

I will wipe the tears from your eyes.

If all of your dreams are no longer in sight,

When your soul can no longer fight,

When your days have no more light,

That’s when I’ll watch over you all night long

I’ll stand your ground when you can’t be strong.

When the sun fades, I’ll keep you warm,

I will be your shelter in the storm.

You have given me everything,

This is why I’ll never leave.

I’ll be with you ‘til your journey’s done,

I will carry you when you can no longer run,

Lift you up when you lose the strength to walk,

Be your voice when you lose the will to talk.

When all the faces lie,

And you have no more tears to cry,

I will be your truth,

I will never leave you.

I’ll stand guard over you all night long.

Stand for you when you can’t be strong.

If the sun should fade, I will keep you warm.

I will be your shelter in the storm.

You are everything to me,

This is why I’ll never leave.

Prose: Outside

On the outside looking in

It seems to be my lot

To make the sacrifice in lieu of mine own wanting.

Step down and let another step up,

Resist the urge to fight that another may win,

Passive against an aggressive nature,

Total surrender only to stay outside looking in.

Questions wanting-ne’er to be asked.

Questions asked-ne’er to be answered.

Volumes begging to speak only to be denied.

Words on the tip of the tongue

But just as soon pulled back,

Words that can’t be spoken from the outside.

Poem: Ramblings of a Jaded Mind

Faith. Trust. Hope. Love.

Trust-that which I do not have.

Hope-that which I have all but completely lost.

Faith-that which I have forsaken.

Love-that which I have come to dread.

Buried inside lies a strange thing,

It wrestles to be free.

Though I have long since learned ‘tis best not to bring,

This Hope of Faith and Trust and Love hidden within me.

Begone from me this Hope. Thou hast no song for me to sing!

In a dream world is thy home; this plane hath no place for thee!

A joke, a joke are thee, o Faith!

What is this Faith but uncalled for and unfounded belief?

To believe without reason is no different than attempting to grasp a wraith,

To see a mural when naught but a blank motif!

Failed it is, water holds not itself in this pail called Faith.

Away from me! Thou art naught but falsely perceived relief.

The only weapon to harm its user, this farce named Trust.

Ah! This deceiving double edged blade!

Shield, protect, defend against it I must!

Many good peoples fall prey, in this manner FOOLS are made.

Trust, trust past the lies and locked doors and untamed lusts?

Fool I was born, but fool I am not, no, I will stand and let this all fade.

I long to see it, feel it, have it but I am sure I will not.

Long ago I realized, but still I try.

Fool I am for ‘tis nothing but such sickness that mine soul does rot.

Love, o plague of plagues! Too many times have thee brought tears to mine eye.

Chase and Hope I do in vain, to gain and keep and hold and cherish is not my lot.

None are shown to be true, through these lies I shall see whether true Love will e’er draw nigh.

Poem: Vision of Demise

Alone in my dreams-silence broken by the screams

Of my pain, my heart, my own inner anguish as within I languish
As I bring to bear the demons in my shadow/the voices in my head.

Alone in my dreams I see what seems to me to be
An outline on the shore, a motionless figure on the sandy shore-
Cold, still, the last breath gone from his broken body.

Alone in my dreams the tide slowly creeps and a chill air seeps
Through the soaked rags of this traveler's cloak
Whilst the clouds overhead roll in and a solitary crow sounds his call.

Alone in my dreams 'midst the storm this forlorn form
Slowly silently stirs in the quiet calm eeriness of the slight moonlight.
First, foremost fathoms he that he fell into his hell, well away from redemption.

Alone in my dreams he, I see, nameless-faceless-displaced-disgraced.
Heartbeat borderline, body broken beyond belief.
In vain I hope for his salvation, reincarnation, rejuvenation.

Alone in my dreams, inside-beside-aside myself I know
That he I see will ne'er be risen again.
Despite my cries the demise of he I see belongs to me.

Prose: You Make Me Forget

You make me forget.

Did you know that?

I didn’t think so.

But it is true.

How, I couldn’t begin to tell you.

All that I know is that you do.

And I’m not going to ask why.

I’ll take it for what it is.

Though exactly what it is

Is a totally different question.

You make me forget the words and games,

The wasted time and spent breaths,

The lies told and the falsehoods seen.

I forget the pain and anger and untold tears.

I forget the times and places.

The clouds and the rain.

I don’t remember the names and the voices,

You make me forget all of it.

I forget all this and I remember you.

I remember the smell of your hair

Right after you finish it.

I remember you walking through the door.

I remember the few stray hairs

That fall across your face.

And the slight rise of your voice

When you get excited.

I remember the slight smile on your face

When you fall asleep on my lap.

And the way you pull yourself

Closer into my arms every time I shift.

I remember you, eyes closed

Smile on your lips when you told me,

“You make me smile.”

Yes, I remember this.

You make me remember watching you dance.

The way you move your body,

And when you look over your shoulder at me,

Seems like you are dancing for me alone.

Too, I remember when our lips touched.

More than anything else, when at last we kiss.

And it’s not just a kiss, but a gift.

Your face in my hands, nothing else exists,

I remember this.

You make me remember,

And you make me forget.

I don’t know what it is,

And I know what it’s not.

But I’ll take it and put it away there-

Where all memorable things go.

There it’ll stay, till I or my body disappears.

Whichever comes first,

Maybe I will finally forget to remember. 

Poem: Dreamworld

Reminded of dreams trashed and scattered,

Of things once gold, that now never mattered.

Of longings deferred and hopes lost.

And knowing the full price was paid at terrible cost.

Dreaming the same dream again and again,

Screaming inside for it to end.

But the broken record is stuck and won’t move on,

So every night the dreamworld replays the song.

A song of anger, a song of love and lies,

A song of shadows and dust and tear worn eyes.

A song of empty words and broken promises still spoken,

A song of broken dreams, broken homes, life, simply broken.

The dreamworld knows exactly how to haunt,

Together with the demons, they mock and taunt.

However, conclude your jest, for sunrise is near.

The record will be fixed when dawn appears.

No more tears to stain these eyes

As the sun’s rays expose the shadows of your lies.

Though night and dreams shall surely return,

An inferno now rages and all night it shall burn

To light the way and give sight to the blind,

To purge the shadows and demons from this mind,

To turn to ash all the brokenness inside,

To destroy the wall of secrets and lies behind which you hide.

Thus, dreamworld come and do your worst,

Drink of this blood until you have quenched your thirst.

For fallen seven times yet seven times arisen,

No longer bound by these shadows in your self-centered prison.

Though once beaten and battered, now bloody no more,

Dipped in the river and standing strong upon the shore. 

RavenHeart 4/21/11

Prose: We Were Supposed to Live Forever

We were supposed to live forever.

That was the plan.

Become great and do great things.

Immortal at 14 and 15.

We were supposed to change the world, make it ours.

Grab the bull by the horns as they say, indelibly

Write our names upon the face of the earth

For every generation after to see.

We were kids, we were children, but in our dreams

We were giants, Titans, gods upon Mount Olympus.

We were never supposed to die.

But then we grew up.

That is the worst thing that can happen

To a child-growing up.

Our dreams became fantasies, our fantasies, soon,

Merely tendrils of smoke floating away into the clouds.

We once thought we were masters of life,

Till it turned on us, children, thinking we could

Shape life to our will.

And nurturing life taught us a turn that we never shall for get,

That we are the ones bent to its will and desire.

Poem: Forever In Your Eyes

Thoughts collide in my head like an atom bomb,

Bright lights turned to black-out nights.

The echoing silence births dead calm,

A silent shockwave, divine and terrible sight.

The darkness brings me back to you

On a shadow-drawn carriage.

I hear you call my name

And it feels just like a  midnight rain.

Take my hand, with angels’ wings let’s fly

On the whispering wind beyond the sky.

Bring me again to life, blood moon rise.

Say my name once more as I open my eyes.

Let’s dance forever under the stars

Turn this night into ever-after

Let your touch erase my scars.

I hear you call my name

And it feels like the midnight rain.

Take my hand, with angels’ wings let’s fly

On the whispering wind beyond the sky.

Let’s run in the moonlight to the bridge,

Cast away your fear and jump with me into the abyss.

Free falling-falling freely this night,

The darkness envelops us, setting all right.

Between never and infinity this love lies.

Brought back to life by the storm,

Now I see forever in your eyes. 

Poem: Watching

A ghost…

Standing silently on the sidelines…

Barely breathing with a breaking beating heart…

A wraith…

Floating formlessly from the fetid fields…

Watching and waiting wordlessly within…

The ghost…I am…

I…see…it…all…

I…hear…the…words…

The wraith…I have become.

Neither alive nor dead,

Between the two…

Like the clouds passing overhead,

A ghost, no sound, no form, no breath.

Lost inside myself, carried by the winds.

Blown about by the tempest,

Pushed to and fro,

Ne’er static too long.

I go with the current,

Neither fighting nor surrendering…

Hovering o’er the world…

Mine ears hear the rage and the chaos,

Mine eyes see the fear and the wanting.

Mine heart beats to the rhythm of your drum.

Powerless to intervene

I, the ghost, sit silently in my place,

Seeing, hearing, waiting, watching.

Poem: Smile for Me

Will you smile for me my Love?

Let me hold you through the night.

Let your light shine,

I will make everything all right.

Give me your smile,

Let its glow give me sight beyond sight.

Smile for me my dear,

This is all that I ask.

One smile-and I will know I’ll be fine.

Just one, the one I remember to be mine.

Smile my Angel; break free the mask.

Simple enough, a smile, and I will ne’er shed another tear.

Smile through the rain,

And look to the sun.

Smile past the pain,

To the ends of the earth we will run.

One smile-like a single grain,

To bring forth a harvest not to be outdone.

Smile for life, smile for Love.

Smile for the stars and every gift from above.

Smile for dreams and outstretched wings,

Smile for the songs the morn’ bird sings.

Smile for us, knowing we will always be,

Smile my love, smile for me. 

Poem: She's Beautiful

She’s beautiful, but she doesn’t see it.

She gives the world a smile and the sun shines

But in the mirror she is grave and defeated.

She’s beautiful, and the world knows.

She walks into a room and Father Time slows,

The whole world turns just to see her.

She’s beautiful, even when she cries.

All the pain inside amplifies her beauty

As I watch the crystal tears dance down her eyes.

She’s beautiful, especially when she smiles.

The light inside briefly bursting through,

In that moment all seems perfect and true.

She’s beautiful, e’ery time I look into her eyes.

Beautiful because I see e’ery heartache and sorrow.

Beautiful through every broken dream and all the lies.

She’s beautiful when she sleeps,

The faeries flitter near her

And for her sorrow every angel weeps.

Prose: Don't Let Go

I wish you were here beside me again

Starin up at the stars with

No care in the world for us to bear,

Just dreamin of who we are.
We could go wherever and be who we wanted,

Just as long as we were there together.

We'd sail to the edge of the sea and fly beyond the sky.

I remember the times you were at my side,

Us against the world, nothing could touch us.

But you started pullin  away, and it was the end of the ride.

We were young and dumb headed down that highway

With the wind in your hair.

We made love in the sun and danced in the rain

With nothing to care but wakin up next to you.

I wonder sometimes what you’re doin, where you are.

Are you out there thinking of me, do I ever cross your mind?

Do you miss the life we led and the times that made us laugh?

Losin you has taken its toll

But I’m telling you I can't let us go.

Just the other day I thought I saw you walkin down the street

And it all came flooding back:

That lil whimper you do when you roll over in your sleep,

The wind in your hair, the sun in your face,

The sound of your I love you's, your perfume on my sheets.

Its been awhile but you know we want it again.

I wanna wake up next to you from now to the end.

All I have and all I am is yours if you want it back

It surely ain't much but its all I got to give.

I want to dream again, to let go of all my cares

Save living the life we dream we can have.

I know you’re out there doin what you’re doin wherever you are,

Lookin at the stars seein me every time I cross your mind.

You don’t have to miss it anymore, we can make another life and laugh.

Baby livin without you, it aint alright.

But its ok, we know better now than to let it go.